All I want is YOU

"As you undress me with your eyes know that there is more to what you see. Taking in all of my voluptuous glory, you will find no need to look astray; for I am all of yours for the taking. With each beat of my heart and pulsating vein you will know my desire for you..."

Awaken by the realization of my dream. I dreamt of making love, and not just any love...but absolutely so engaged in a trance of love making that I completely forgot the process of starting my day. I almost turned around and closed my eyes once again to visualize my lover. I wanted to remember his face, his name, his body, his scent and everything about him that literally drove me to want to remain in this dream-like state.

It's never easy being awoken from a dream that you want to experience each and everyday. I wonder when will be the next time I will actually experience this moment, but not in want or craving but in an actualized setting of sensual seduction every woman is entitled to experience.

Yes, my dreams are something else as I am!

Get Back UP

Sewing some oats and binding some forbidden ties I recognized that I continued to run into the same old bricks of the forbidden love life. The love life that I continued to image and dream about, with people who could not support or sustain my dream. Continually loving the unloveable, the jaded and the romantically uninclined male to lastly being seen in the eyes of another as a secondary motive and mention. What more could I possibly say and do? What more could I possibly want? Hey, I have my other faucets and areas of life that I continually excel at. Could this one section out of my life just be my overall demise and downfall?

I could go on and on about the disappointment and the discouraged feelings, but then as with everything and with life it's a learning tool. A tool to be utilized when you are at your lowest peak. A tool to be utilized when you are finally recognizing what exactly has been developing and brewing all along.

The art of forgiveness goes hand in hand with love. The art of letting things go, alongside with realizing just what we are departing with allowed me to realize just why I continued these cycles and more. I can not thank my many failed attempts and experiences enough. I can absolutely open my eyes and world, especially my heart to the challenges that have been faced and will be faced with. I can humbly attest to where I went astray at and what exactly I was looking for.

Daddy disappointment...First male example in my life failed me.
Motherly disappointment...She never stood up for herself and recieved the love she deserved
Relationship disappointment...Each new experience flowed from the bad experiences...no changes
Personal disappointment...Fear of being simply myself, low self esteem and no self structure


To write out my pains. To define my ailment... To see that perhaps I never had a positive relationship with myself, my family and lastly my relationships...it seems I never had a chance. A sadness and awareness in the inevitable came over me...but then I started feeling as if life has never stopped and that for each challenge and presenting factor faced I dealt or currently am dealing with. There is no time frame for healing. We meet our own individual life demands.

For the knowledge and information I was afforded I remain truly blessed. For each tear a smile crept upon my face. For each line crossed within the sands of my time I can admit to no longer wanting impulsive without a recourse of my actions. Controlled, clear and concise is what motivates and molds me.

In stillness you will find just exactly what you was looking for...

It happened...




The moment when I was faced with seeing, hearing and knowing all, but knowing nothing at all. The moment when my mind took over and silenced my inner gut reactions of having an emotional overload and melt down of feelings; feelings that were designated onto all forms of my past. Ex boo, ex love, ex ex and simply non justifiable relationships. My mind went numb…

It takes a lot of courage to write about your relationship downfalls, self-observations and over experience with love and when in love, but what stood out the most to me is finally hearing that answer I have been looking for all of this time. There is no need to upset myself or get bent out all over shape at what previously existed and had transpired within my life. All I could do was wish the ill thoughts away, pray for a better outlook and overall outcome and peace and stillness revolved around me.

There is nothing like the chase. There is nothing in comparison to wanting to be wanted by many, desired by a few and loved by one; then again there is nothing wrong with continually experiencing life on demand rather than awaiting a wish or occurrence that may never occur if you would have not ventured out and taken that risk.

Throughout the down side and moments in my time, the upside and calmness presented itself and I finally felt the calm. The instant I allowed myself to visually ingest what I saw, I applied it presently to where I am at currently in my life. Nothing will move forward or progress forward in life without my permission. The permission for me to feel hurt, to feel less than, to feel unworthy, to feel denied has all been dismissed.

I will no longer operate erratically and based entirely on emotions only. I am at peace.



Namaste

To love and linger and move right on along...

It's so easy to let go of something that serves no life purpose for me. It's amazingly simple to justify why this and that one wont work out in my best long term interest; and even so with saying that I find myself longing for you. Your memory remains etched in my mind and mended to my heart. There hasn't been no one like, similar, resembling or even cutting it a little close to my memory of you.


In distance and inability to make your most attempts at seeing ME as I am, I have come to feel disappointment in your perception of me. Assumingly my personal interest's are entirely different from your very own interests, but have you ever really asked me about my interest's in comparison to yours? Have you really taken the time to address the differences and find a common meeting point of two different but distinct personalities?

This fantasy relationship I am feeling and am engaging in has run many courses, and yet my battle to refrain from loving you never lasts too long. I continue to look for the meaning of why you entered my life? Your purpose in my life? Is it to have loved and lost you and transitioned on or is it to show you a form of love different from what you have known? Always the optimistic and looking for the brighter shade of the darkened sky line, I can admit that I am still searching for these answers and more.

To lose you might be the best way to transition from you. To love you openly while being shirked from you is another way I was attempting to see this experience and relationship through, but I am broken. I have literally questioned my very own interests, and at times blamed my upbringing (Mother's relationship's, sisters relationships) and my own relationship experiences for the failure to move along, but as I write this I ended something recently that I made my most attempts to see the relationship experience through, but it served no purpose for me physically and intimately or emotionally. How I ended that so, but yet can't let you alone or go?

How I used

to handle letting go of someone was completely forgetting their existance and moving forward with another relationship or intimate experience, but then I realized that you can't forge ahead until you have entirely dealt with as much issues you are experiencing within before you can move forward and along. Instant gratification has benefited me in more than one way, but it has served me as false hope. So yet again I am facing a slippery emotional slope, but the difference this time is that I am dealing with it. I am living with it. I am forgiving it.

There is meaning for it all after all…

There is no confusion and misunderstanding. There is no ability to resume normalcy as if the in between never existed. The in between has become the pink elephant in the room.

If only I could place a shawl, scarf or even a hat over the obvious then maybe I could resume a false sense of normalcy and just exist, but life has a funny way of showing me otherwise. When I am not really giving my all or putting that extra umph into something it becomes obvious. My moods become unmanageable and I begin to display an attitude of general appeasement. It’s as if the essence of me has been zapped right out so once again I am left fighting the feeling of just feeling, because I don’t want to pretend to feel…you feel me?

SO when faced with presenting the truth and not compromising yourself and love standards you drummed up literally in the past year and a half you start to feel your faith tested and smudged all up in your face. Your ideals and ways to go about life becomes passing standards easily wavered by the beckoning erotic calls and memories bought about from previous experiences. Everything that you have previously owned and known no longer exists within you. Its like accepting change has bought about consequences of no turning back, and within these consequences I have been left to figure things out.

Once again I am left to envision what all the talked about change has brought before me…

An unknown me may appear to be a lost me, but I envisioned this new me to be placed before me so I could SEE just exactly who I was and have grown to be. My acceptance and tolerance of substandard partnerships and romantic experiences has almost cast me villainous in my pursuit of happiness. If only they could see and understand that I have parted with just being and just accepting anything and anyone, and that just maybe I could experience the sensations and feelings I know to be true. Of course I will continually hear that perhaps I made a too quick judgment call or relied on ever changing emotions and feelings that perhaps were slightly present, but needed more development and time to be it’s ultimate healer.

If you ever felt and experienced love before than you know it wasn’t patient and fragile, but prominent and ever present and strong. The connection would be so intense and revealed beforehand on all levels and not lagging on some that it could never be questioned.

So in essence what can be contested is your lesson…Move along. 

No set answer, no single pathway or road…You Define your experience!

Who ever coined the phrase “You will know, when you know” must not have experienced the knowing of several factors of the unknown. At first we identify with a feeling and tie it into an expected emotion and response. Having already defined the “expected” experience for ourselves, however, another option of how to handle the unknown and here enters an opportunity for a new way of seeing things and newly defined outcomes which then throws the first initial feeling and response of “Knowing when you know…” right out of the window.

I could possibly look at these moments as simply not really knowing whatever I think I should know, but then once I become familiar I then take the time to examine and redefine already steady life occurrences that was absolutely cluttering my mind with complexities of phrases and sentence forms all too impersonal to speak about. I wanted a reaction for each action I embarked on. I wanted to know that there was a possibility in things that perhaps initially only received the “to be expected outcome”. I finally wanted to know that there was no exact path to take, just my willingness to want to redefine and rediscover it all again.

So then again I am thrown into the mindset of perhaps I can’t know or prepare and expect anything in life; and that every chance meeting and opportunity that presents itself already was charted in my life and that all that was left to do was experience and define my yellow brick road.

From the upsets and disappointments to moments of endless dreams and occurrences I realized that going according to what I believe and expected to happen and occur is not necessarily the ideal way, but it is one of the ways to look at things and not the only objective and expected outcome.

So overall I may know what I know when it may happen for me, but I do know that it’s not the only experience that will lay an impression on me, and I can not only rely on one opportunity and expected outcome only. I must and WILL branch out.

Good-bye to feelings of guilt and good-bye to feelings of being exclusive and obligated to one. Happiness was never granted by one person, and for one to attempt to tie up your entire ALL with their displays of attention and affections, well it’s a bit off putting.

Whoever coined the phrase “Don’t place all your eggs in one basket” surely knew exactly what I was writing about. 

How do I Breathe?

My mind is fixed on an expected reaction and response. My experience is presenting something else different thus far. My mind's best intentions are gateways into a lost world of emotional incompetence.

How do I possibly shed some of the veil from my eyes as well as my heart? How could I possibly allow the smallest entryway of another's interest to captivate me without the fear of the tug and war of my position within the start of the relationship.

I actually am allowing my individual hang up's and hold out's to burden me.....

So checking into my now and current situation I have come across an interesting opportunity. The opportunity has presented itself in such a way that has allowed me to look forward to starts and solutions and the overall happenings and outcomes of the situation. The situation that is being created has caused a little stir for me. Of course we aren't suppose to compare and question each and every experience we may have, however, I expected a projected outcome to occur and it just didn't happen. I started to feel a bit deflated and have a less than desired for response, but then again I went back to comparing and questioning and realized in the end that each and every experience regardless of some similarities will always remain different, distinct yes, but different.

So in stating this and knowing that just maybe I am allowing past circumstances to present into my present situation; I have defeated my best intentions and future optimistic behavior already. So with that being said, I have decided that I can not possibly allow this to happen and I must move forward into a progressive state of stillness and nothingness. Freely flowing and allowing insight and stillness to guide me.

So I am allowing it to begin...